In search of belonging

I’m working on chapter 11 of my book this month and it’s all about community. I’ve realized a few things about myself, one of which being that I don’t really identify as a member of any communities, a pattern that has persisted throughout my life. I was raised by my dad and it was usually just the two of us. He worked a lot, so most days, I simply hung out with my own imagination. I rarely had anyone around me, let alone an entire community of people.

Oddly enough, I don’t recall ever feeling lonely. While I didn’t understand this at the time, perhaps that tiny island of my dad and me found some implied comfort in being part of the Chinese community. I remember us making our way to crowded dim sum restaurants every weekend, where people who looked like older versions of me stood shoulder to shoulder in the waiting area. A hostess stood behind the podium, speaking Cantonese into a microphone as tables became available.

My dad and I never had to wait. I’m not sure how this came to be but the staff at every restaurant we went to would invariably grow to welcome him. This was strange as I’ve always thought of my dad as a quiet and stoic workaholic. I could never picture him being warm and friendly, yet there he was, smiling and making small talk with everyone who paused at our table. Even more unbelievable was that they seemed to enjoy chatting with him.

That was my earliest memory of community. Chinese people in Chinese restaurants, eating Chinese food, comfortably chatting in Cantonese. It didn’t matter which restaurant we went to. It didn’t matter if it was dim sum or dinner. Some groups made an effort to get to know people outside their immediate circle, and others kept to themselves, but that didn’t matter either. We all seemed to understand that we all had a place there.

Perhaps community is one piece in the bigger puzzle of finding a place of belonging.

In recent years, I’ve been thinking a lot about this complex and elusive puzzle, specifically about how to create and cultivate a sense of belonging within myself — without relying on external validation and without clinging to specific communities or relationships. The idea of a fluid sense of belonging that changes and grows as I do, without any pressure to be accepted or liked, makes me feel exquisitely at peace — safe, comfortable, confident, and secure. I’m slowly making my way there, and I hope to have something more to share one day.