Money was never the goal — AUTHENBLISSITY

*26-year-old me in a tree on Île Sainte-Marguerite (October 23, 2004)*

I launched my book a month ago today. By all internal measures, everything went perfectly. I had a relaxing week leading up to the big day. The logistics of putting my book up for sale went smoothly. Launch day was full of self-care, a delicious brunch at one of my favourite restaurants, and an overall sense of glee.

My inner child was ecstatic. Wheeeeeeeeeee!!! We wrote a book!! It’s out in the world!

But my inner capitalist was fixated on one thing — maximizing sales. She kept telling me:

You should invest in ads.
You should do more marketing.
You should put the book on sale.
You should.
You should.
You should.

The should spiral was at peak intensity when my inner best friend gently reminded me:

Money was never the goal.
The goal was to follow your creativity.
To enjoy the process of making this book.
To learn to trust in your decisions again.
To put a piece of yourself into the world.
To create a tool that you can also use.
To fulfill a childhood dream.

~

I have a long history of prioritizing money. My inner capitalist took the reins when I was in business school and she’s had a hard time letting go. She fully believes that time is best spent making money. And after two decades of conditioning from business school and the corporate world, I almost believe that being financially productive is the only way to be.

In 2004, I took a trip to France with one of my dear friends. We were visiting Île Sainte-Marguerite when my friend asked me to hop up on a tree to sit with her for a while. My inner capitalist was the one who responded: “Huh? What for?”

Yes, I actually said that. 😳
Yes, we ended up sitting in the tree.
And yes, 19 years later, we’re still close friends.

We sat together and breathed in the beautiful scenery. It was quiet and peaceful and lovely. During our six weeks away, my friend taught me a lot about slowing down and appreciating the simple things in life. But it took many years for me internalize the lessons and begin to choose differently.

~

My inner capitalist shifted her focus as soon as I released my book. “Okay, you’re done. What’s next?” On top of maximizing sales, she wanted me to dive into my next project, my next goal, my next big dream. She still doesn’t believe in sitting in trees. If you’re not moving forward, you’re falling behind.

So I decided to take conscious steps away from my inner capitalist. I stopped checking for sales. I let go of the urge to make the next thing. I turned off my computer. Instead, I slowed right down. I had a picnic. I played frisbee. I took a road trip. I ate ice cream in bed. I rested. I napped. I stretched out time.

It’s easy to vilify my inner capitalist now that I have different priorities. But when I look deeper, I find gratitude and compassion. She contributed in a big way to where I am today. And she will always have a role to play in keeping me fed and motivated and safe.

There’s still a place in my life for getting things done. I’m wired to be productive and I’m really good at it. There’s also a place in my life for sitting in trees. This doesn’t come as naturally but I’m getting better at it. My inner best friend reminds me that these aspects of myself don’t have to be adversaries — they can complement each other. I can fully enjoy my productivity and my rest.

For the past three years, I was singularly focused on checking things off a massive list so I could bring my book into existence. I spent many joyful hours on this project even though I wasn’t expecting to make much money. I loved the feeling of being creatively productive and reaching for a big dream. If I’m being honest, I’m not quite sure what to do with myself now that I’m done.

I wrote Authenblissity Reset to help with this sort of thing so I’m going to start there. Instead of jumping into my next big project, I’m going to spend a year breathing in this tool that I made. I’m letting the pendulum swing from the frenzied pace of making this book to the slower pace of sitting with it in quiet contemplation — so I can see what else it wants to reveal to me.

This month’s reflective questions

In this season of your life, is the pendulum swinging closer toward productivity or rest? What is your current relationship with productivity and rest, and how has this changed over time? How does your productivity complement your rest, and vice versa?

With warmth and tenderness,

P.S. I’m experimenting with turning these blog posts into cozy solocasts. If you’d like some more context around this month’s blog post and hear my thoughts on the reflective questions, click here for the companion podcast episode.