Exploring my resistance
Oxford Languages defines resistance as, “the refusal to accept or comply with something; the attempt to prevent something by action or argument.”
During the pandemic, my level of resistance skyrocketed. As my awareness of this surfaced, I noticed it more and more and more. I started to feel “the refusal accept or comply” — not just with something, but with everything. My immediate reaction invariably involved the urge to either run away or throw a temper tantrum.
This was one of the main topics of my first ever therapy session. I wanted to be taught how to get rid of my pesky resistance for good, but our conversation took a different turn. The therapist asked, what if you listened to your resistance? I realized that my resistance is a visceral reaction that comes in a flash and disappears just as quickly. I learned I could respect my resistance by stepping away for a moment or taking a short break. I decided I would approach my resistance with curiosity.
Where does my resistance come from?
What is it trying to tell me?
What exactly am I resisting?
I’ve been thinking about these questions a lot over the past few months, trying to discern the nuances associated with various combinations of external requests and internal reactions. Then, during a morning pages session, my scattered thoughts coalesced into three realizations.
The root of my resistance is a perceived threat to my free time. It’s been a long road to create a life that I love. I still feel some clinginess to my freedom and flexibility, fearing that they will somehow evaporate. I tend to resist anything I view as a threat to my ability to do what I want, when I want.
My resistance encourages me to pause. I’ve always felt a sense of urgency to respond right away and it’s something that I’m working on. Confronted with a question, my immediate reaction used to be to say yes right away. The strength and immediacy of my resistance provides a helpful counterbalance, reminding me that I can take a step back before responding.
Good systems help reduce my feelings of resistance. My new systems for my to-do lists and calendars are showing me that I have more than enough time for everything I want to do. Each day provides me with evidence that I don’t need to sacrifice my time for creative work or rest. There are enough hours in the day. It’s ok to make time for my priorities. I can say yes to the things I truly want in my life.
After a gentle exploration, I’m starting to view my resistance as a friend rather than a petulant child. Sometimes I still feel like throwing a temper tantrum, but that’s part of the human experience for me. I can witness it, understand what it’s trying to tell me, and listen deeply before moving forward.
